Do you want to know what the beauty of writing about yourself is? There is no plagiarism. Your life story or the emotions you feel from things like depression, anxiety, PTSD, or postpartum is not up for debate. They belong to you and you only. They are part of your being, not anyone else’s. Thank God we at least have that left in a world full of people with no morals, lurking around the corner to steal your work for a free ride. Well, there’s no free rides here so you can stop reading now and move on.
I wanted to talk about how I feel. More often than not I find myself feeling frozen and as if my heart is dying of sadness. I wake up, go through the motions that I have too, and then crawl back into bed. I can’t move. I stare at the ceiling fan as it spins around, & around, & around. I feel very relaxed, my body melting like butter into the mattress. My heart hurts as if death has walked up and clenched it in his fist. A tear rolls down my cheek. I am flooded with thoughts.
You’re a fat ass
You fail at everything
You’re a shitty mom, wife, daughter, friend
The house is to overwhelming to fix
Why haven’t you worked on her baby book
Why do you constantly say you will do things and then don’t
Why did you let yourself go
Where did that 16 year old girl go, hell where did your childhood girl go
People don’t like you, they think you talk to much, they think you’re weird, they find you annoying
You are a nobody
You should just go kill yourself, you are already dead inside, numb, cold
Then I see their faces. They are smiling at me. More tears flood my face. I know that they need me. They love me. They believe in me.
When they look at me, they do not see that person. He sees his wife and mother to his daughter. She sees her mama; her whole world. They give me the strength every day to pull myself out of the quicksand. I WILL NOT leave them behind. My love for them conquers all.
BUT, it does not cure me. I am deeply broken. My wounds have not healed. Others cut me deep, some to the bone. I let them win & now the only ones worthy of having me are paying the price for a crime they did not commit.
I get mad. I get mad as hell. I tell myself get up! Get up now! They will not win, they no longer have my consent to make me feel this way. My family needs me & I need them. I am safe now, it is okay. I am loved.
I am strong, I am stubborn, and I am a fighter. I work hard to keep my mind right. I am seeking help. I will overcome this. DEPRESSION will not hold me down.
She needs me, he needs me and I need ME.
P.S. Here is a link on depression as well as a link for suicide prevention & remember to always seek professional help. If you need someone to talk to that is not family or friends, I am here for you at firstname.lastname@example.org.
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