Frozen in Time

    Do you want to know what the beauty of writing about yourself is? There is no plagiarism. Your life story or the emotions you feel from things like depression, anxiety, PTSD, or postpartum is not up for debate. They belong to you and you only. They are part of your being, not anyone else’s. Thank God we at least have that left in a world full of people with no morals, lurking around the corner to steal your work for a free ride. Well, there’s no free rides here so you can stop reading now and move on. 

    I wanted to talk about how I feel. More often than not I find myself feeling frozen and as if my heart is dying of sadness. I wake up, go through the motions that I have too, and then crawl back into bed. I can’t move. I stare at the ceiling fan as it spins around, & around, & around. I feel very relaxed, my body melting like butter into the mattress. My heart hurts as if death has walked up and clenched it in his fist.  A tear rolls down my cheek. I am flooded with thoughts. 

You suck

You’re a fat ass 

You’re ugly 

You fail at everything 

You’re a shitty mom, wife, daughter, friend

The house is to overwhelming to fix

Why haven’t you worked on her baby book

Why do you constantly say you will do things and then don’t 

Why did you let yourself go

Where did that 16 year old girl go, hell where did your childhood girl go

People don’t like you, they think you talk to much, they think you’re weird, they find you annoying

You are a nobody 

You should just go kill yourself, you are already dead inside, numb, cold

    Then I see their faces. They are smiling at me. More tears flood my face. I know that they need me. They love me. They believe in me. 

    When they look at me, they do not see that person. He sees his wife and mother to his daughter. She sees her mama; her whole world. They give me the strength every day to pull myself out of the quicksand. I WILL NOT leave them behind. My love for them conquers all.

   BUT, it does not cure me. I am deeply broken. My wounds have not healed. Others cut me deep, some to the bone. I let them win & now the only ones worthy of having me are paying the price for a crime they did not commit. 

    I get mad. I get mad as hell. I tell myself get up! Get up now! They will not win, they no longer have my consent to make me feel this way. My family needs me & I need them. I am safe now, it is okay. I am loved. 

    I am strong, I am stubborn, and I am a fighter. I work hard to keep my mind right. I am seeking help. I will overcome this. DEPRESSION will not hold me down. 

    She needs me, he needs me and I need ME

Love,

Jelly

    P.S. Here is a link on depression as well as a link for suicide prevention & remember to always seek professional help. If you need someone to talk to that is not family or friends, I am here for you at jelly.nicole@aol.com. 

 

copyright

© Jessica Collins alias Jelly Nicole and jellynicole.com 2017. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Jessica Collins alias Jelly Nicole and jellynicole.com with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s